What Teachers Wish They Could Say To Their Students

Fuck you.

Yep, that's the first thing. Okay, if you want to read some altruistic frou-frou that dehumanizes teachers into some bottomless pit of joy, then go somewhere else. At this time of the year when you are drained of energy, patience, and the ability to smile, that joy that school boards, administrators, parents, trustees, and everyone else depends on-- because if it's not there then folks get nervous that the savages may rebel; that the savages may not stand for the pittance of a salary and the lack of respect by an entire nation, let alone the students in the classroom-- at this time of the year teachers wish we could just tell you what we think.

Well, here goes.

Dako-- You're an idiot. An absolute idiot. Who the hell do you think you are to tell me "It seems you are in the teaching profession for the wrong reasons, as this could be expected from any teacher who genuinely cares for the success of their students." What are the 'wrong reasons' genius? Great pay for my education level? Respect from my students? Mature behavior on the part of my students? Tell me why I got into teaching. Because if it's about seeing the proverbial 'light bulb' go off, I surely missed the boat with you. Next time you get the daylights kicked out of you and you come to my class with the attitude that you should be treated better than your peers who didn't battle their friends for fun the night before a huge assignment was due... well, next time, I hope you get your clocked cleaned thoroughly. Your dumbass deserves it.

Jemo-- Are you kidding me? You're going to sit in the final exam and complain about the grade I'm "giving" you? I don't give grade-- you earn them. It's not just smoke I'm blowing here. It's legit. The fact that you're even passing with a month of absences in the grade book is amazing. I thought you were kind of bright. I don't anymore.

Rawe-- Quit your whining. Oh my gosh! I don't even like you any more. Your incessant complaining is tiresome and I don't want to hear another word coming from your spoiled self. Do not come to me asking for advice any more. You don't listen to me when I give you advice, so why should I care? You and your pals take and take and take and take and take and take and take from. "Why aren't you around?" you whimper. Because I can't take it. I'm about to break and no one around her gives a damn, is what I want to scream in your bloated, binge-drinking face.

Jiri-- SHUT UP! You may very well be the most annoying student I've ever had. And, hell's bells if that doesn't say a lot.

Miar-- You too-- shut up! No one cares what you have to say. You talk, talk, talk, talk about nothing all class period. You're not that clever or interesting.

Samc-- You're such a joke. You're not charming, cute, bright, or anything that would explain the arrogance with which you carry yourself. And I scare you to death huh? Must be because you know that I see through the facade. You can't talk your way out of 'it' with me and I'm going to hold you accountable for your poor performance and diminished intellect.

Magr-- You're just not that talented. You're okay. But the sooner you start living the life of an adult, the better off you'll be. Grow up and stop whining. When you do, I think you'll be a pretty cool person.


And to those teachers out there shocked and dismayed and disgusted by all of this: reread the first sentence. You don't know me. Better yet, you do know me. You know all too well, but you know that if you admit that the levee has a crack, that the flood waters will come too soon. Instead, you wait and absorb the insults the too-little, too-faint praise and wear a mask of plastic insincerity. Pat your merry self on the back and get away from me. You're more destructive than I am on my worst day.